Crazy Stuff

Crazy J Stuff:

When J and I met he had recently broken up with his girlfriend of three years. In the past few months they’ve been talking and hooking up a bit, but ever since that other girl came into J’s life a couple months ago, he seemed sure that he was over his ex. He hadn’t even talked to her in a while. I hinted a couple times that I thought it wasn’t over for him, that he was still in love with his ex, but he always shut me down. Well, I feel like shit but I told him so.

His ex got into a car accident about a week ago. She’s in the hospital right now, in a coma. It looks like she’s going to wake up though – she’s showing signs of moving and even opened her eyes for a few seconds. J is… a wreck, on the inside anyway. And happy at the same time, I think. Because I guess he went and saw her lying in that hospital bed and realized that he wants to be with her, that he still loves her, that he doesn’t want anyone else. He can’t wait for her to wake up so he can tell her those things, I’m sure.

There are a lot of questions, of course. What if she has brain damage? Even something minor, like a different personality? What if she’s impaired somehow? He probably wouldn’t stay with her like that, but he seems so sure that she’s going to wake up and everything will go back to the way it was. I didn’t ask him this because I didn’t want to upset him, but my real question is – what if she doesn’t want him back? What if they get back together and everything IS the same way it used to be? They broke up for various reasons, after all. What if everything in their relationship hinges on this accident from now on? I wrote about it before. The fear that things aren’t permanent makes people do funny things.

I was already a little worried about him before. Of course I can’t speak from any experience but my own, but he seemed a bit depressed. He’s told me multiple times that he feels like he has no motivation to do anything. He sleeps sporadically – I’ve seen him on the dating site at 3 am and then again at 6 am on a work day. He smokes constantly, which I know is not a sign of depression, but it does magnify the feelings and attitudes that come with depression. He doesn’t have any clear goals in life – make money, maybe go to school again some day – that sort of thing, but he doesn’t have something he really wants to accomplish. I think the causes of his depression were in part breaking up with his long-term girlfriend and also hurting his wrist, which caused him to be unable to exercise for the last few months. All of this stuff points in a very clear direction for me, and I was going to bring it up to him, but then this happened… Now the most I could muster to tell him was “you should talk to someone.” But he’s not, of course he’s not, and when his ex wakes up and they get back together again, he’ll have a band aid and there won’t be a way to point out that he should probably look underneath it for his own good.

We hung out the past couple of nights but we didn’t do anything remotely sexual, just watched shows and cuddled basically. I think he just needed someone to be there with him. Honestly I’m okay with that, I have been kind of wanting to transition into being just friends with him and not friends with benefits, but the thing about that is that I might end up with neither. So there’s another conversation I’m too much of a pussy to bring up.

Crazy Mr. Superman Stuff:

Not really that crazy. Just a bit irritating. He didn’t make it clear to me at all that he was actively looking for a girlfriend. Or you know, that he’s about to get into a serious relationship. He’s still offshore right now for work, but he’s coming back in a couple days. The plan was to hang out, have a threesome, have fun… Turns out all we’re really doing is the threesome, because after that he’s getting himself an exclusive girlfriend. He was all like, “Yeah, I’ll give you one last great fucking before we have to say our good-byes!” But really it’s not even for me, it’s basically his last hurrah with two girls before he has to be monogamous.

And check it out, when I asked if we could be Facebook friends, he was like, “No, you’re just a fuck buddy.” Seriously dude? I have people who are Facebook friends who’s guts I legitimately hate. Maybe he really only has like family and close friends on there, but it’s sort of shitty to be told that I’m a step below an internet friend who’s posts he might like once a year. I’m debating how much of a bitch I want to be to him… On the one hand I don’t really want to flake out on the threesome thing, that other girl is super hot and I want to at least meet her and maybe develop something there. On the other hand, I kind of don’t really want to see him again. Really I think it comes down just to how he said “no” to the Facebook friends thing. If he had said “I have a lot of work people on there so I’d rather not” or something, I’d have been okay with it. But really? “You’re just a fuck buddy”? Yeah, well how about I’m actually not your fuck buddy anymore?

Crazy Lawyer Stuff:

I mentioned that he has a girlfriend now (again). Well I couldn’t fucking help myself. We’ve been talking a bit about law school stuff and I asked him for his old notes and outlines. He said he would look for them and he put it off for a while. A few days ago I texted him about that stuff and he sent me an office picture of himself to demonstrate that he was still working even though it was 9 pm. We talked a bit, then I mentioned he had a cute tie in the picture… And he told me to send him a sexy selfie. So I did. Compliments galore, and then we went our separate texting ways…

Next day, like I said, I couldn’t help myself. I sent him a text that was like “Would it be inappropriate to say that I kinda miss you?” He replied with “Inappropriate? Nah. Unexpected? A bit!” Which was basically bullshit and I told him so, and he said maybe I should come over and get the outlines and notes myself on a flash drive. But he insinuated that we’d be good, that all we’d do is hang out and talk a bit, no naughty stuff.

Haha. Yeah right, right? Went over there yesterday and I was barely through his door before he was kissing me and saying, “I decided I didn’t want to be good.” Clothes were off in seconds and we were fucking like it was our last day on the planet before I could say “outline.” I really did miss him, he’s absolutely gorgeous and THICK and knows exactly what I like. We broke his bed somehow. Not entirely sure what happened, but there were definitely wood cracking noises.

I feel like he wasn’t too happy though. Like he felt bad about screwing around on his girlfriend, even though from what I’ve heard about her, he doesn’t even care for her that much. And I feel a little bad for being the cause of his feeling bad, but hey, he’s a grown man. I just won’t push going to see him again; if he wants to hang out he can ask. It’s not like I would ever say no.

The Cook

This long weekend was a blast.
I cooked pulled pork and a friend came over on Saturday, that was a good time catching up. But then later after she left, the Cook invited himself over. I was more than happy to let him come by since I wanted to impress him with my cooking, and he really enjoyed it. So much that he was extra good to me!

Sunday he invited me to come study with him and his friend that actually also goes to the same school I do. We played footsie under the table and gave each other longing glances… And I still surprisingly got a lot of work done. What a pro, amirite?

But alas there was nothing beyond a quick kiss after our studying was over yesterday, and I was craving more… So today, after much debate with myself over whether I needed to hold off on texting him, I texted him. As usual, no self control. All for good though, he was very positive and now I’m pleasantly sore. Basically, a great end to the weekend!

Now back to another week of zero sex :'(

Amazing Weekend

Like the title says, I had a great time this weekend. Most of it was spent doing homework and briefs and outlines but I took some time for myself too.

Friday I went over to the Model’s house. Poor guy. He’s a prime example of how being stunningly beautiful isn’t enough for real happiness. I’m not going to get into the details right now because I need to keep this short, it’s past my bed time, but he’s clearly super depressed and I feel terrible for him. I wish the occasional blowjob from me could help cheer him up but sadly that’s not the case, and as much as I’d like to help I don’t think I can. We talked a bit but he wasn’t super willing to open up, even when I mentioned how I used to be very depressed and a cutter and all that. At least he can look in the mirror every day and have a bit of joy.

Anyway, but Saturday was the real epic date for me. Met a new guy for the first time, at his house again. (No time to fuck around with those drink dates like I said.) We’ll call him the Cook because he cooked for me, French onion soup and homemade chocolate ice cream with chili powder in it. I could’ve about died just from how amazing the food was, and then we got into his bedroom. Put on a movie, cuddled, petted… As always, I sort of initiated the removal of clothing thing, but once we were past that point he had my eyes rolling into the back of my head and my legs trembling within minutes.

The movie played twice (for some reason it just started over again once it ended). Plus an extra 15 minutes of a third time. I have no fucking clue what happened during the entire thing. My mind was elsewhere, devoid of thoughts, just filled with pleasure. His hands, his mouth, his cock… I legitimately lost track of time. And that was just the beginning, when we finally collapsed next to each other the third time, he asked me if I wanted to see his toys… All sorts of whips and ropes and candles and even a chain or two.

I wanted desperately to see him again today, but he insisted that I needed to do my homework instead. So responsible… And distracting, for all that he said that, it was nonstop texts about how sensual and beautiful I am and what he can’t wait to do to me. Frustrating and hot, I needed relief bad all day long but J was the only one that might have been able to help and he ignored my texts. Uuuuugh.

I can’t wait until next weekend though, the Cook is coming to my house so I can show off my cooking skills a bit too. I’m so excited!

Sex And Drugs And Knowing People

I don’t know a whole lot about a whole lot. Really my best stories are about sex and drugs – not so much rock and roll, but mainly because I’m more of a dance/electronic/club music type of girl. Part of making new friends is telling people stories about one’s past, and I certainly don’t have a bunch of appropriate stories to tell for the kind of friendships I want to make now. These are the people I’m going to be working with one day – I can’t exactly go around talking about my sexual exploits. I feel so quiet, which is very unlike me.

Everything has changed in the past two weeks – I suddenly have an insane amount of focus and drive for what I want out of life since I started law school. Which, by the way, I was totally right about – I literally don’t have a spare second to breathe, much less write on here. And dates? Ha. Those are a thing of the past. (Though I am meeting a guy on Saturday – after I spend 5 hours at school for a non-mandatory-but-actually-yeah-you-need-to-be-there class – at his place for dinner. Go figure.)

Honestly, if J’s new semi-girlfriend hadn’t been out of town for these past couple of weeks, I probably wouldn’t have been having sex at all. Because yeah, he has this girl that he’s focused on. The Lawyer got back with that girlfriend he had right before I started school (for pity reasons I think). And Mr. Superman has been off on an oil rig forever. My three main fuck buddies are basically unavailable, I don’t have time to go on dates, and I haven’t really felt like trying with any of the side fuck buddies – the result being that my life just got significantly more stressful with significantly less stress relief available in it.

Even J said the last couple of times we hung out that I have bags under my eyes and I need to sleep more. Ugh. I don’t feel tired at all actually, just a bit more worried than usual, but being told that is pretty shitty.

Speaking of J, he actually slept over at my house last night. It was weird. I liked having him over, but I think he was kind of uncomfortable not being in his own space. Even the sex was a little awkward – ended great as usual, of course, but still awkward. I think it didn’t help that we saw sides of each other last night that we didn’t realize existed, though. My dogs got into a fight over a curly fry and I got pretty angry at them, yelling and stuff. He’s never heard me yell like that, obviously. And then later in bed I tried to cuddle with him, and he said something about how I was “too lovey-dovey.” I might be over-thinking this one actually – maybe I just took it the wrong way, but it really didn’t sound like a joke to me, it sounded like he was trying to say that he didn’t enjoy that about me. Which was an absolute shocker to me, honestly – I’m very physically affectionate, even when there is zero emotional attachment for me, and I thought he liked that and was the same way. Again, maybe I was just tired and cranky and took it the wrong way, but it was surprising in an unpleasant way to hear that.

It goes to show how, even after four months of fucking and hanging out with someone, you can really not know them AT ALL. I’m not even talking about past stuff, like the shit I’ve done in my life or had happen to me that if he knew about, he would undoubtedly immediately pity and despise me at the same time and probably never want to see me again. I’m talking purely knowledge of someone’s personality – like I said, he’s never seen me yell before. He still hasn’t ever seen me truly upset or irritated or angry. He hasn’t seen me cry or lose my temper. Those things don’t happen often – my husband’s provocations being an obvious exception – because I’m a generally happy person, and even when I’m not happy, I’m good at controlling my feelings and my reactions. But they do happen. We haven’t even had an actual argument where we didn’t come to a consensus very quickly.

How can you say you know someone when you’ve only seen a very small part of them? That’s why it really confuses me when people say things like “he’s not the same person he used to be” after dating someone for a few months or even a few years. Well, no, he IS actually the exact same person (usually, there are some cases where there is a drastic change I’ll admit), you just got to see only the nice parts of him in the beginning and now he’s gradually showing you the ugly parts too.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say that J showing me his dislike of affection (once again, if that’s the case) was some absolute deal-breaker, I’m-never-going-to-see-him-again sort of shit. And I certainly hope he doesn’t feel that way about me yelling at my dogs. But I bet he was surprised in the same way I was, and I wonder if today he’s thinking the same thing I’ve been thinking – “I really don’t know that person at all.”

Space

That last post was silly. Please ignore.

My roommates have been moving out of my house and the sole remaining one left today, finally. I mean he’s a good friend but living with friends gets old after a while, you know? You start to nitpick at each other, and not in a nice way sometimes. It feels amazing to be here alone, with just my dogs. Maybe that sounds sad? But I feel like I have so much space and so much freedom now, and I don’t have to constantly clean up after other people… It’s really excellent.

I had a mini celebration earlier for it. J wanted to come over for some noon fun – he couldn’t before because of the roomies always being here. So this was a particularly special day! Anyway, I cooked a bit. Made some salad, a little steak, a couple of tiny fruit tarts. Baked some rosemary bread last night too. I kinda fucked up the steak but everything else was great. I’m still full (probably because I’ve been eating the lemon tart filling out of the jar all day long, but let’s not discuss that).

Next week I have orientation for school… Thought it was just one day, but nope! Turns out it’s Monday-Friday, 8:30-5:00. Mmm mm! Time to get things rolling, amirite? I’m feeling pumped.

I feel like my writing on here is going to diminish greatly once school starts, but I’ll try to keep up with it. I mean, at the very least I’m going to MAKE time to go fuck people, so I’m gonna need to write about it afterwards. Weeee!!

Drunken Ramblings

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Those feelings are hitting me again. Those fucking feelings, irritating wonderful feelings.

And I know they mean nothing. But so quick? Why does this happen so easily? And if I think about it, I don’t even know why this obsession has come over me again. Why him? He has no distinctive qualities. He’s not super interesting or funny or smart or rich. He’s not model material – good looking but not absolutely stunning. He doesn’t blow my mind in bed. But somehow I just want him. Desperately want him. Consumed by want of him. He’s gorgeous. He’s amazing. He’s wonderful. Why? I don’t know, he just is. My heart says so. Heartache and logic are mutually exclusive.

I want him to hold me forever. I want that moment in bed with him, where we’re sitting, laughing, and he leans over and kisses me and the look in his eyes is pure adoration. I want that moment where I can believe that I’m safe and protected and for once I can be honest because nothing I say will make that look go away. I want that moment where his secrets become mine too, where he feels just as comfortable with me as I do with him, where he lets me hold him and comfort him too.

I want that moment where I can admit to falling for him, and everything will be all right. He’ll tell me he feels the same, and we’ll talk about the possibility of something “more.” What that would entail, what conditions we’d each have to meet. And we’d promise that we’d do those things, and we’d kiss more passionately than ever before, and we’d fuck like never before, gently and roughly and like the world was ending. And afterward we’d hold each other tight, so tight, sweat mixing in the folds of our skins pressed together, our bodies hot as furnaces, and still we wouldn’t let go. Not for a long, long time. And when we finally do, we’d keep our fingers intertwined. We’d kiss again, just once, but a lingering one. Good night. I adore you. Those are the words we’d fall asleep to.

And in the morning he’d get up first like he always does, and take a few minutes to stare at me sleeping. I’d sense it and open my eyes slowly to his, and he’d smile and touch my cheek. The emotions. Purity. We’d say those words again and kiss and fuck and lay there more, in a bed made of happiness.

And that would be it.

That would be the end of the moment. Because once that part’s done, we’d have to get back to reality. There’s a life outside of bliss after all. And after that peak of perfection is reached, the only way we can go is down. Questions. Demands. Irritations. Frustrations. Tears. The only way to go when you’ve reached the highest point of happiness you can ever reach is down, and that moment was the highest point. After that it’s just poor imitations, getting worse and worse, until it’s all over.

And that part I don’t want. All I want is the one moment, where we say we want each other desperately and have a night and a morning where we act like we do. And then I just want things to go back to normal – I want to slide back down the way I came up, not try my luck with the other side. The words would never be mentioned again after that moment, and though we might see the desire for them in each other’s eyes once in a while, we would push it aside.

Friends. I’d rather just be real true friends forever. I want the absolution of my heartache, for the few moments that it will last, but I want a friend more.

Let’s put these emotions to good use. These silly, unpleasant, magical feelings. Give from the heart as much as I can, show my desire every day until it’s blatant, but never say a word. It’s easier that way.

Is this real? Am I making it up because I’m a masochist, because I like the feeling of pain, of heartache? Whatever the reason, it’ll fade soon enough. No point in ruining an amazing thing for a feeling that will disappear as soon as I find something better.