If someone had a crush on you, like one of those “serious feelings” crushes, and you DIDN’T feel the same way, would you still want them to tell you how they feel?
Like the title says, I had a great time this weekend. Most of it was spent doing homework and briefs and outlines but I took some time for myself too.
Friday I went over to the Model’s house. Poor guy. He’s a prime example of how being stunningly beautiful isn’t enough for real happiness. I’m not going to get into the details right now because I need to keep this short, it’s past my bed time, but he’s clearly super depressed and I feel terrible for him. I wish the occasional blowjob from me could help cheer him up but sadly that’s not the case, and as much as I’d like to help I don’t think I can. We talked a bit but he wasn’t super willing to open up, even when I mentioned how I used to be very depressed and a cutter and all that. At least he can look in the mirror every day and have a bit of joy.
Anyway, but Saturday was the real epic date for me. Met a new guy for the first time, at his house again. (No time to fuck around with those drink dates like I said.) We’ll call him the Cook because he cooked for me, French onion soup and homemade chocolate ice cream with chili powder in it. I could’ve about died just from how amazing the food was, and then we got into his bedroom. Put on a movie, cuddled, petted… As always, I sort of initiated the removal of clothing thing, but once we were past that point he had my eyes rolling into the back of my head and my legs trembling within minutes.
The movie played twice (for some reason it just started over again once it ended). Plus an extra 15 minutes of a third time. I have no fucking clue what happened during the entire thing. My mind was elsewhere, devoid of thoughts, just filled with pleasure. His hands, his mouth, his cock… I legitimately lost track of time. And that was just the beginning, when we finally collapsed next to each other the third time, he asked me if I wanted to see his toys… All sorts of whips and ropes and candles and even a chain or two.
I wanted desperately to see him again today, but he insisted that I needed to do my homework instead. So responsible… And distracting, for all that he said that, it was nonstop texts about how sensual and beautiful I am and what he can’t wait to do to me. Frustrating and hot, I needed relief bad all day long but J was the only one that might have been able to help and he ignored my texts. Uuuuugh.
I can’t wait until next weekend though, the Cook is coming to my house so I can show off my cooking skills a bit too. I’m so excited!
I don’t know a whole lot about a whole lot. Really my best stories are about sex and drugs – not so much rock and roll, but mainly because I’m more of a dance/electronic/club music type of girl. Part of making new friends is telling people stories about one’s past, and I certainly don’t have a bunch of appropriate stories to tell for the kind of friendships I want to make now. These are the people I’m going to be working with one day – I can’t exactly go around talking about my sexual exploits. I feel so quiet, which is very unlike me.
Everything has changed in the past two weeks – I suddenly have an insane amount of focus and drive for what I want out of life since I started law school. Which, by the way, I was totally right about – I literally don’t have a spare second to breathe, much less write on here. And dates? Ha. Those are a thing of the past. (Though I am meeting a guy on Saturday – after I spend 5 hours at school for a non-mandatory-but-actually-yeah-you-need-to-be-there class – at his place for dinner. Go figure.)
Honestly, if J’s new semi-girlfriend hadn’t been out of town for these past couple of weeks, I probably wouldn’t have been having sex at all. Because yeah, he has this girl that he’s focused on. The Lawyer got back with that girlfriend he had right before I started school (for pity reasons I think). And Mr. Superman has been off on an oil rig forever. My three main fuck buddies are basically unavailable, I don’t have time to go on dates, and I haven’t really felt like trying with any of the side fuck buddies – the result being that my life just got significantly more stressful with significantly less stress relief available in it.
Even J said the last couple of times we hung out that I have bags under my eyes and I need to sleep more. Ugh. I don’t feel tired at all actually, just a bit more worried than usual, but being told that is pretty shitty.
Speaking of J, he actually slept over at my house last night. It was weird. I liked having him over, but I think he was kind of uncomfortable not being in his own space. Even the sex was a little awkward – ended great as usual, of course, but still awkward. I think it didn’t help that we saw sides of each other last night that we didn’t realize existed, though. My dogs got into a fight over a curly fry and I got pretty angry at them, yelling and stuff. He’s never heard me yell like that, obviously. And then later in bed I tried to cuddle with him, and he said something about how I was “too lovey-dovey.” I might be over-thinking this one actually – maybe I just took it the wrong way, but it really didn’t sound like a joke to me, it sounded like he was trying to say that he didn’t enjoy that about me. Which was an absolute shocker to me, honestly – I’m very physically affectionate, even when there is zero emotional attachment for me, and I thought he liked that and was the same way. Again, maybe I was just tired and cranky and took it the wrong way, but it was surprising in an unpleasant way to hear that.
It goes to show how, even after four months of fucking and hanging out with someone, you can really not know them AT ALL. I’m not even talking about past stuff, like the shit I’ve done in my life or had happen to me that if he knew about, he would undoubtedly immediately pity and despise me at the same time and probably never want to see me again. I’m talking purely knowledge of someone’s personality – like I said, he’s never seen me yell before. He still hasn’t ever seen me truly upset or irritated or angry. He hasn’t seen me cry or lose my temper. Those things don’t happen often – my husband’s provocations being an obvious exception – because I’m a generally happy person, and even when I’m not happy, I’m good at controlling my feelings and my reactions. But they do happen. We haven’t even had an actual argument where we didn’t come to a consensus very quickly.
How can you say you know someone when you’ve only seen a very small part of them? That’s why it really confuses me when people say things like “he’s not the same person he used to be” after dating someone for a few months or even a few years. Well, no, he IS actually the exact same person (usually, there are some cases where there is a drastic change I’ll admit), you just got to see only the nice parts of him in the beginning and now he’s gradually showing you the ugly parts too.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say that J showing me his dislike of affection (once again, if that’s the case) was some absolute deal-breaker, I’m-never-going-to-see-him-again sort of shit. And I certainly hope he doesn’t feel that way about me yelling at my dogs. But I bet he was surprised in the same way I was, and I wonder if today he’s thinking the same thing I’ve been thinking – “I really don’t know that person at all.”
That last post was silly. Please ignore.
My roommates have been moving out of my house and the sole remaining one left today, finally. I mean he’s a good friend but living with friends gets old after a while, you know? You start to nitpick at each other, and not in a nice way sometimes. It feels amazing to be here alone, with just my dogs. Maybe that sounds sad? But I feel like I have so much space and so much freedom now, and I don’t have to constantly clean up after other people… It’s really excellent.
I had a mini celebration earlier for it. J wanted to come over for some noon fun – he couldn’t before because of the roomies always being here. So this was a particularly special day! Anyway, I cooked a bit. Made some salad, a little steak, a couple of tiny fruit tarts. Baked some rosemary bread last night too. I kinda fucked up the steak but everything else was great. I’m still full (probably because I’ve been eating the lemon tart filling out of the jar all day long, but let’s not discuss that).
Next week I have orientation for school… Thought it was just one day, but nope! Turns out it’s Monday-Friday, 8:30-5:00. Mmm mm! Time to get things rolling, amirite? I’m feeling pumped.
I feel like my writing on here is going to diminish greatly once school starts, but I’ll try to keep up with it. I mean, at the very least I’m going to MAKE time to go fuck people, so I’m gonna need to write about it afterwards. Weeee!!
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Those feelings are hitting me again. Those fucking feelings, irritating wonderful feelings.
And I know they mean nothing. But so quick? Why does this happen so easily? And if I think about it, I don’t even know why this obsession has come over me again. Why him? He has no distinctive qualities. He’s not super interesting or funny or smart or rich. He’s not model material – good looking but not absolutely stunning. He doesn’t blow my mind in bed. But somehow I just want him. Desperately want him. Consumed by want of him. He’s gorgeous. He’s amazing. He’s wonderful. Why? I don’t know, he just is. My heart says so. Heartache and logic are mutually exclusive.
I want him to hold me forever. I want that moment in bed with him, where we’re sitting, laughing, and he leans over and kisses me and the look in his eyes is pure adoration. I want that moment where I can believe that I’m safe and protected and for once I can be honest because nothing I say will make that look go away. I want that moment where his secrets become mine too, where he feels just as comfortable with me as I do with him, where he lets me hold him and comfort him too.
I want that moment where I can admit to falling for him, and everything will be all right. He’ll tell me he feels the same, and we’ll talk about the possibility of something “more.” What that would entail, what conditions we’d each have to meet. And we’d promise that we’d do those things, and we’d kiss more passionately than ever before, and we’d fuck like never before, gently and roughly and like the world was ending. And afterward we’d hold each other tight, so tight, sweat mixing in the folds of our skins pressed together, our bodies hot as furnaces, and still we wouldn’t let go. Not for a long, long time. And when we finally do, we’d keep our fingers intertwined. We’d kiss again, just once, but a lingering one. Good night. I adore you. Those are the words we’d fall asleep to.
And in the morning he’d get up first like he always does, and take a few minutes to stare at me sleeping. I’d sense it and open my eyes slowly to his, and he’d smile and touch my cheek. The emotions. Purity. We’d say those words again and kiss and fuck and lay there more, in a bed made of happiness.
And that would be it.
That would be the end of the moment. Because once that part’s done, we’d have to get back to reality. There’s a life outside of bliss after all. And after that peak of perfection is reached, the only way we can go is down. Questions. Demands. Irritations. Frustrations. Tears. The only way to go when you’ve reached the highest point of happiness you can ever reach is down, and that moment was the highest point. After that it’s just poor imitations, getting worse and worse, until it’s all over.
And that part I don’t want. All I want is the one moment, where we say we want each other desperately and have a night and a morning where we act like we do. And then I just want things to go back to normal – I want to slide back down the way I came up, not try my luck with the other side. The words would never be mentioned again after that moment, and though we might see the desire for them in each other’s eyes once in a while, we would push it aside.
Friends. I’d rather just be real true friends forever. I want the absolution of my heartache, for the few moments that it will last, but I want a friend more.
Let’s put these emotions to good use. These silly, unpleasant, magical feelings. Give from the heart as much as I can, show my desire every day until it’s blatant, but never say a word. It’s easier that way.
Is this real? Am I making it up because I’m a masochist, because I like the feeling of pain, of heartache? Whatever the reason, it’ll fade soon enough. No point in ruining an amazing thing for a feeling that will disappear as soon as I find something better.
Last night was super awkward because we had a get-together at my house with a bunch of friends and my husband brought by his new girlfriend. Doop dee doo… That was quick. Once again, feeling validated! I drank way too much though. Was out like a light.
Woke up this morning to an incoming text from Mr. Superman. What an excellent start to my day… Half an hour later I was at his place, a few sex toys in tow again – this cute riding crop with a heart-shaped end (it leaves heart-shaped marks, teehee), a tiny vibrator, and some fuzzy handcuffs. Oh, and one of those vibrating cock ring things, but he was not interested in that.
I can’t sit right now. That’s how bruised and beaten my ass is right now. It feels fucking amazing.
I don’t think I can have sex for at least another couple days either. The compounding soreness has reached critical levels.
In between the sex that spanned the course of another three hours today, we watched the Harry Potter movies. Most of the third, part of the fourth. That just increases his awesomeness by like a million. I could watch Harry Potter any day.
Feeling so satisfied right now.
The downside is the Lawyer texted me while I was over at Mr. Superman’s place… He really wants me to come over tonight. We were sexting last night and I wanted to go over there then but he had to actually work all night long so we said we might do today. But it was only a maybe. Now I’m super sore… I feel kinda bad saying no but there’s no way I can have anymore sex today. What to say, what to say?
I’ll figure it out while I go take a nice long bubble bath.
Gonna try to keep this short, so as to not prolong my own embarrassment.
I ended up texting Mr. Superman this morning. I know, it looks bad if I text him too quick, but I have zero patience. Besides, it ended up working out in my favor since he told me to come over. And to bring stuff.
Very open-ended command. I assumed he meant sex toys, but I only took one sex toy with me (my lovely glass dildo, I think I’ve mentioned it before). And a belt, and some pop rocks. Because blowjobs with pop rocks apparently feel amazing. I don’t know, I just like the taste and feeling of cock and pop rocks in my mouth together.
REALLY need some Advil today. My pussy is just… destroyed, for lack of a better word.
I left his place with this absolute euphoria, just smiling from ear to ear as if I was high on the most amazing drugs money could buy. And starving. Hadn’t eaten all day, so I decided to drive around the neighborhood to see what I could find.
Well, in my attempt to maneuver my phone with google maps up on it to find my way around, I maaaaaay have not stopped entirely at a Stop sign.
And well, there maaaaaay have been a cop RIGHT around the fucking corner as I turned onto the next street.
Aaaaaand, when the cop pulled me over for not stopping at the Stop sign, my dildo may have fallen out of my purse as I was digging for my driver’s license.
He definitely saw it. Like, I shoved it to the side so it rolled off me onto the floor, but that cop DEFINITELY fucking saw my dildo. And he saw my hair, and my makeup running everywhere, and probably noticed the fact that I wasn’t wearing a bra.
Douchebag still wrote me a ticket with a big fat grin on his face. But, on the bright side, he didn’t cite me for the fact that I couldn’t find my registration stuff – I have always been prepared to log in to my insurance’s website to pull it up but for some reason it was not working from my phone today. This was the first time I’ve ever been pulled over too, so I guess he figured it would be okay to be a little lenient.
But oh my goodness. I don’t think I have EVER been as bright beet red as I was today.
I need a drink.