That Song That Reminds Me Of You

I fall in love too quickly. Oh sure, it’s really just infatuation, but let’s be real – in the moment it sure feels like love. I suppose on the bright side it’s nice that I fall out of love just as quickly.

I’m feeling it again. Some days it’s mild, just an irritating ache. Some days every song reminds me of him, every note breaks my heart. But there’s always that one song, isn’t there? That one particular song that brings his smile into sharp focus from the very first chord. It’s like the other song goes, “Cause there’s this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat…”

It hurts and feels amazing at the same time. And I’ve always been good at keeping those feelings a secret, but maybe I’m getting old. Maybe I feel like I don’t have time to waste anymore, because this time around I want to tell. Not sure why, since I’m not sure I even want anything to come of it if I do. We have such different life goals. It could never work in the long run. And okay, I don’t care so much about the long run – I want to have fun now. But he does, so he’d never go for it. So what’s the point of telling? It would just make things messy.

But that logic isn’t being all that convincing. I might just blurt it out anyway. Maybe because I want to hear the rejection out of the horse’s mouth, as it were. Make absolutely 100% sure that I need to move on. Maybe that’s really my role in life, not so much to be a serial monogamist but a serial unrequited love-ist.

And let me clarify that I’m not depressed. Not anymore anyway. This love of being hurt emotionally doesn’t come from a place of sadness or turmoil. Or well, I suppose it does, but only from the mere vestiges of sadness and turmoil. It’s not an expression of those things anymore. It’s just a reflexive way of having masochistic fun.

Having to clarify that at all says something, though. I should have never made this blog so popular. I can’t hear myself think when I write anymore. It feels like it’s all for an audience, like I can’t quite admit to some things because people would judge.

Anyway. Really this post was about songs. From a certain age I started associating music with love. For every crush I’ve ever had I have a song that makes me think of them. I bet everyone has a couple like that. Right now it’s that “Take Me To Church” song, because it played once on his music channel while we were fucking and he made some comment about it. Such a minor thing I know, but now every time it comes on my heart skips a beat or two.

What’s your song right now? That song that reminds you of that one person?

Hurricanes

Last night I had a dream that I got caught up in a hurricane, like one of those ones that has tornadoes and stuff going on too.  There were other people there, don’t remember who, just that we tried to hunker down in a doorway but that didn’t do any good since the entire house got lifted up out of the ground. I was looking out a window somehow, saw another house coming into view, and just before we crashed into it I woke up.

Whatever my subconscious was trying to tell me about the crazy shit that would be happening today, it was right. It was just one of those days, you know? Nothing goes the way you want it to. Most of it was minor shit, like I rode the elevator down before it went back up to where I was trying to go and my professors were being particularly batshit and my soon-to-be ex-husband was being an annoying bitch over text. Buuuuuttt no day like this could just be full of minor shit, so of course at lunch today I locked my keys in my car. In the ignition. With the car turned on.

If J hadn’t been there and taken control of the situation and called some guy to come pop the lock, I would’ve probably just been a sobbing mess for a while before I figured out what to do. Honestly, as hard as I try to deny it, I don’t think I can survive without being in a relationship. I’m a smart person, the grades I’ve been getting compared to the amount of work I put in for them prove that, but I don’t think a person more clutzy than me exists on this planet. And when I do these absolutely moronic things like oh, I don’t know, fucking leaving my car light on for hours or get lost in the middle of downtown because I tried to use the bus system here or as the case may be, lock my fucking keys in my running car, I basically need someone to save me. Because I just can’t handle these things on my own.

So once again, praise J for being the most awesome fucking guy on the planet and literally being my knight in shining armor here. Could not have done it without him, though I don’t know how I will ever thank him enough since we’re basically just friends now so I can’t just give him blowjobs for the rest of eternity or something. Oh whale!

Anyway, in other news, the Cook is… ugh. He’s falling for me hard and I’m at this point where, whenever I’m with him, I just have this mental image of me with my arms up saying “Stop, just STOP!” I guess it never occurred to me how difficult it could be to break up with someone I’m not even dating, especially since his best friend is in my class so that would make things even more awkward, but I HAVE to. Really have to not be a pussy about this… and that’s so hard for me. Ugh, just ugh. I guess I could be super annoying to him but honestly he seems like the kind of guy who would take it just to have a girlfriend. UGH.

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum is the Lawyer, who I would date in a heartbeat if he asked me. Yeah yeah, I know, I keep changing my mind about this one but we’ve been hanging out a bit more recently and every time we do, I always leave with a smile plastered on my face for hours and maybe a couple of butterflies too. Maybe ;) He’s the guy out of all of them that I wouldn’t be good enough for though – hotshot lawyer, way smarter than me, 6 years older so way more mature – not super great-looking but that’s the thing, guys like that would be embarrassed to have a girl too pretty next to them, since they know everyone would be thinking “trophy girlfriend.” Plus I’m way more socially awkward than he is and that would just pile on the embarrassment.

Kinda sad, isn’t it, that I’m actually strongly considering finding myself a boyfriend? It’s more out of convenience of cuddles than anything – I mean I just want someone who will cuddle me whenever I want for as long as I want and otherwise leave me alone. That’s not too much to ask, is it? But it does make it difficult to fuck everyone I want, so there’s a dilemma I suppose.

Anyway, I can’t just get a boyfriend to have a boyfriend. Gotta really like the guy and the only two guys I even remotely feel that way about clearly don’t return the feelings, so it’s actually not much of a dilemma. Just have to keep doing my thing.

Whore

Can’t remember if I mentioned this before. I think I did. My husband said to me a while back, “You can’t turn a whore into a housewife.”

Initial reaction was irritation, but upon further reflection I realized just how funny it was. I wish I had replied, “You’re right, YOU can’t.”

Maybe it’s true what they say. I just haven’t met the right person yet. That person that won’t just make me flustered and nervous around them, that won’t just love me unconditionally, but that will make me love them every day of my life. Because isn’t that the problem?

Maybe I haven’t ever actually been in love. Oh sure I had a 4-year relationship, followed by this 3-year one with my now husband. I’ve had other shorter relationships and fuck buddies galore. But how could any of that have been love if it didn’t last forever?

I used to make lists of boys I had crushes on. It was like a self-check for reality. Like I was making sure I was still alive, checking my pulse, because if I didn’t feel that desperate desire for someone, how could I be sure I still existed? It’s insane now not having a single person I really want, like I’m missing a part of my soul. And so freeing too, makes me really think.

Maybe I really don’t know shit. Maybe the reason I don’t believe love exists is because I’ve never felt actual love, just that constant repetitive heartbreak I keep talking about on here. And maybe I will feel it someday, but if I haven’t yet then I doubt it. I am the way I am, a certain way, and I think that way precludes love. At least the kind of love that everyone talks about when they tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about.

I think that’s why I’m a whore, in the super promiscuous sense. I’m trying to find this special, magical thing that everyone keeps referring to, and this is the only way for me to go about that journey. It’s the only way I know, anyway.

And yes, it’s easy to say “you should do this and you shouldn’t do that and three steps later you’ll find love.” But that’s bullshit, isn’t it? That’s not how it works. Everyone has to go about it their own way, because how else would they meet the “perfect” person for them? If they do it someone else’s way, it’s not real. It’s an artificial love, and I’ve had plenty of those. They all ended, and isn’t that the point? Real love doesn’t end.

I never thought of “whore” as an insult. I never thought of it as some basic thing that everyone could do. Not everyone could be a whore. Not everyone could get the same fulfilling experience out of it that I do. I’m doing my best to use this part of me in search of a greater goal, that “meaning of life” that everyone refers to, love. But in the meantime I’m not going to deny or try to change this part of myself, my personality, my soul, that has gotten me through the absolute hardest times I’ve ever been through, through a near-suicidal depression. How moronic would that be?

I’m a whore and I’m okay with that. In fact, I’m more than okay with that. I love that part of myself. And sure, I’m a narc so that might seem obvious, but there are parts of myself I don’t love. My tendency to procrastinate on everything. My aggression toward people I think are being stupid, even when I do the same things sometimes. My slightly bumpy nose. I don’t love those things, but being a whore I do love. And how many people can really say that about themselves, that they love the parts of themselves other people think are imperfect?

Criticize me all you want, but don’t expect me to take it personally, much less do anything about your opinion. I am happy. Are you?

Time Flies

It’s right around the time where it would be a year now since I met the Other Narc on a video game. Can’t recall the exact day but it’s not that important. Point is time passes so quickly. It’s hard to remember that when I’m waiting for a 12-hour day at school to finally be over but then I check my calendar and see that midterms are in less than 2 weeks. School just started a minute ago it feels like, and here we are on midterms already.

Feels like a second ago I was kissing him for the first (and last) time. I don’t think about him that often anymore. He used to be the only thing on my mind and sure, some days I still wonder what he’s up to, hope he’s doing all right, hope he’s happy. But mostly I don’t think about him.

I stop loving people when they start wanting things from me.

Remember that post? I think I called it “drunken ramblings.” Confessing some silly heartache for some guy I could never have? The reality is I just wanted to want him. I wanted to feel that way, to hurt on purpose. I used to be a cutter but people can see marks on skin and they start to question those. People can’t see the self-inflicted wounds on a heart.

It’s a recent realization, this. The reason why I’m always chasing someone isn’t because I really want to find love. It’s because it hurts to be rejected, and I like the pain. Anyone who knows me well enough knows just how much I like pain, but I don’t think any of them would understand this.

And then they want something from me. I haven’t figured out what yet from J. But the specifics really don’t matter. I realized the last couple of times we hung out that he wanted something from me, and not just that he wanted something from me but also that he wasn’t willing to give me anything I wanted in return. And so my feelings changed. It was sudden, a bit unexpected even. The heartache for him stopped.

Oh sure, we’ll be friends – I like the way he thinks too much not to be. But I used to think about him nonstop. Like with the Other Narc. Now if I remember to text him once every 3 days I feel like I’ve done my friend duty.

Problem is the heartache’s gone and I want it back.

The Cook is a great guy but he’s too easy. I see him twice a week and he’s super cuddly and affectionate. I see the look on his face. I don’t know what he really thinks of me but he obviously wants so badly to be in love too, with anyone really. He’ll be saying it soon enough and I’ll have to tell him the truth – I feel nothing with him. Hopefully he doesn’t take it too hard.

I haven’t spoken to Mr. Superman much since the last time we fucked. He clarified once again that he had no desire to be friends and that doesn’t really make me hurt, it just irritates me.

I’ve seen the Lawyer once since the last time and of course we wore each other out, but as much as I like him it’s just not quite right. There’s something missing that would push me over the edge, that would make me think about him constantly and hurt. I keep looking for it too – he’s addicting in his own way – but we’ve known each other months now and I still haven’t found it.

And I don’t have time for dates. Time flies and I can’t waste it on bullshit. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: if I’m not guaranteed an orgasm by the end of the night it’s just not worth my time right now. Law school is too much work and too important. Every hour of studying counts – every minute. I can’t survive without sex but I don’t have time to fuck around, no pun intended.

What a dilemma.

Crazy Stuff

Crazy J Stuff:

When J and I met he had recently broken up with his girlfriend of three years. In the past few months they’ve been talking and hooking up a bit, but ever since that other girl came into J’s life a couple months ago, he seemed sure that he was over his ex. He hadn’t even talked to her in a while. I hinted a couple times that I thought it wasn’t over for him, that he was still in love with his ex, but he always shut me down. Well, I feel like shit but I told him so.

His ex got into a car accident about a week ago. She’s in the hospital right now, in a coma. It looks like she’s going to wake up though – she’s showing signs of moving and even opened her eyes for a few seconds. J is… a wreck, on the inside anyway. And happy at the same time, I think. Because I guess he went and saw her lying in that hospital bed and realized that he wants to be with her, that he still loves her, that he doesn’t want anyone else. He can’t wait for her to wake up so he can tell her those things, I’m sure.

There are a lot of questions, of course. What if she has brain damage? Even something minor, like a different personality? What if she’s impaired somehow? He probably wouldn’t stay with her like that, but he seems so sure that she’s going to wake up and everything will go back to the way it was. I didn’t ask him this because I didn’t want to upset him, but my real question is – what if she doesn’t want him back? What if they get back together and everything IS the same way it used to be? They broke up for various reasons, after all. What if everything in their relationship hinges on this accident from now on? I wrote about it before. The fear that things aren’t permanent makes people do funny things.

I was already a little worried about him before. Of course I can’t speak from any experience but my own, but he seemed a bit depressed. He’s told me multiple times that he feels like he has no motivation to do anything. He sleeps sporadically – I’ve seen him on the dating site at 3 am and then again at 6 am on a work day. He smokes constantly, which I know is not a sign of depression, but it does magnify the feelings and attitudes that come with depression. He doesn’t have any clear goals in life – make money, maybe go to school again some day – that sort of thing, but he doesn’t have something he really wants to accomplish. I think the causes of his depression were in part breaking up with his long-term girlfriend and also hurting his wrist, which caused him to be unable to exercise for the last few months. All of this stuff points in a very clear direction for me, and I was going to bring it up to him, but then this happened… Now the most I could muster to tell him was “you should talk to someone.” But he’s not, of course he’s not, and when his ex wakes up and they get back together again, he’ll have a band aid and there won’t be a way to point out that he should probably look underneath it for his own good.

We hung out the past couple of nights but we didn’t do anything remotely sexual, just watched shows and cuddled basically. I think he just needed someone to be there with him. Honestly I’m okay with that, I have been kind of wanting to transition into being just friends with him and not friends with benefits, but the thing about that is that I might end up with neither. So there’s another conversation I’m too much of a pussy to bring up.

Crazy Mr. Superman Stuff:

Not really that crazy. Just a bit irritating. He didn’t make it clear to me at all that he was actively looking for a girlfriend. Or you know, that he’s about to get into a serious relationship. He’s still offshore right now for work, but he’s coming back in a couple days. The plan was to hang out, have a threesome, have fun… Turns out all we’re really doing is the threesome, because after that he’s getting himself an exclusive girlfriend. He was all like, “Yeah, I’ll give you one last great fucking before we have to say our good-byes!” But really it’s not even for me, it’s basically his last hurrah with two girls before he has to be monogamous.

And check it out, when I asked if we could be Facebook friends, he was like, “No, you’re just a fuck buddy.” Seriously dude? I have people who are Facebook friends who’s guts I legitimately hate. Maybe he really only has like family and close friends on there, but it’s sort of shitty to be told that I’m a step below an internet friend who’s posts he might like once a year. I’m debating how much of a bitch I want to be to him… On the one hand I don’t really want to flake out on the threesome thing, that other girl is super hot and I want to at least meet her and maybe develop something there. On the other hand, I kind of don’t really want to see him again. Really I think it comes down just to how he said “no” to the Facebook friends thing. If he had said “I have a lot of work people on there so I’d rather not” or something, I’d have been okay with it. But really? “You’re just a fuck buddy”? Yeah, well how about I’m actually not your fuck buddy anymore?

Crazy Lawyer Stuff:

I mentioned that he has a girlfriend now (again). Well I couldn’t fucking help myself. We’ve been talking a bit about law school stuff and I asked him for his old notes and outlines. He said he would look for them and he put it off for a while. A few days ago I texted him about that stuff and he sent me an office picture of himself to demonstrate that he was still working even though it was 9 pm. We talked a bit, then I mentioned he had a cute tie in the picture… And he told me to send him a sexy selfie. So I did. Compliments galore, and then we went our separate texting ways…

Next day, like I said, I couldn’t help myself. I sent him a text that was like “Would it be inappropriate to say that I kinda miss you?” He replied with “Inappropriate? Nah. Unexpected? A bit!” Which was basically bullshit and I told him so, and he said maybe I should come over and get the outlines and notes myself on a flash drive. But he insinuated that we’d be good, that all we’d do is hang out and talk a bit, no naughty stuff.

Haha. Yeah right, right? Went over there yesterday and I was barely through his door before he was kissing me and saying, “I decided I didn’t want to be good.” Clothes were off in seconds and we were fucking like it was our last day on the planet before I could say “outline.” I really did miss him, he’s absolutely gorgeous and THICK and knows exactly what I like. We broke his bed somehow. Not entirely sure what happened, but there were definitely wood cracking noises.

I feel like he wasn’t too happy though. Like he felt bad about screwing around on his girlfriend, even though from what I’ve heard about her, he doesn’t even care for her that much. And I feel a little bad for being the cause of his feeling bad, but hey, he’s a grown man. I just won’t push going to see him again; if he wants to hang out he can ask. It’s not like I would ever say no.

The Cook

This long weekend was a blast.
I cooked pulled pork and a friend came over on Saturday, that was a good time catching up. But then later after she left, the Cook invited himself over. I was more than happy to let him come by since I wanted to impress him with my cooking, and he really enjoyed it. So much that he was extra good to me!

Sunday he invited me to come study with him and his friend that actually also goes to the same school I do. We played footsie under the table and gave each other longing glances… And I still surprisingly got a lot of work done. What a pro, amirite?

But alas there was nothing beyond a quick kiss after our studying was over yesterday, and I was craving more… So today, after much debate with myself over whether I needed to hold off on texting him, I texted him. As usual, no self control. All for good though, he was very positive and now I’m pleasantly sore. Basically, a great end to the weekend!

Now back to another week of zero sex :’(