It’s right around the time where it would be a year now since I met the Other Narc on a video game. Can’t recall the exact day but it’s not that important. Point is time passes so quickly. It’s hard to remember that when I’m waiting for a 12-hour day at school to finally be over but then I check my calendar and see that midterms are in less than 2 weeks. School just started a minute ago it feels like, and here we are on midterms already.
Feels like a second ago I was kissing him for the first (and last) time. I don’t think about him that often anymore. He used to be the only thing on my mind and sure, some days I still wonder what he’s up to, hope he’s doing all right, hope he’s happy. But mostly I don’t think about him.
I stop loving people when they start wanting things from me.
Remember that post? I think I called it “drunken ramblings.” Confessing some silly heartache for some guy I could never have? The reality is I just wanted to want him. I wanted to feel that way, to hurt on purpose. I used to be a cutter but people can see marks on skin and they start to question those. People can’t see the self-inflicted wounds on a heart.
It’s a recent realization, this. The reason why I’m always chasing someone isn’t because I really want to find love. It’s because it hurts to be rejected, and I like the pain. Anyone who knows me well enough knows just how much I like pain, but I don’t think any of them would understand this.
And then they want something from me. I haven’t figured out what yet from J. But the specifics really don’t matter. I realized the last couple of times we hung out that he wanted something from me, and not just that he wanted something from me but also that he wasn’t willing to give me anything I wanted in return. And so my feelings changed. It was sudden, a bit unexpected even. The heartache for him stopped.
Oh sure, we’ll be friends – I like the way he thinks too much not to be. But I used to think about him nonstop. Like with the Other Narc. Now if I remember to text him once every 3 days I feel like I’ve done my friend duty.
Problem is the heartache’s gone and I want it back.
The Cook is a great guy but he’s too easy. I see him twice a week and he’s super cuddly and affectionate. I see the look on his face. I don’t know what he really thinks of me but he obviously wants so badly to be in love too, with anyone really. He’ll be saying it soon enough and I’ll have to tell him the truth – I feel nothing with him. Hopefully he doesn’t take it too hard.
I haven’t spoken to Mr. Superman much since the last time we fucked. He clarified once again that he had no desire to be friends and that doesn’t really make me hurt, it just irritates me.
I’ve seen the Lawyer once since the last time and of course we wore each other out, but as much as I like him it’s just not quite right. There’s something missing that would push me over the edge, that would make me think about him constantly and hurt. I keep looking for it too – he’s addicting in his own way – but we’ve known each other months now and I still haven’t found it.
And I don’t have time for dates. Time flies and I can’t waste it on bullshit. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: if I’m not guaranteed an orgasm by the end of the night it’s just not worth my time right now. Law school is too much work and too important. Every hour of studying counts – every minute. I can’t survive without sex but I don’t have time to fuck around, no pun intended.
What a dilemma.