Whore

Can’t remember if I mentioned this before. I think I did. My husband said to me a while back, “You can’t turn a whore into a housewife.”

Initial reaction was irritation, but upon further reflection I realized just how funny it was. I wish I had replied, “You’re right, YOU can’t.”

Maybe it’s true what they say. I just haven’t met the right person yet. That person that won’t just make me flustered and nervous around them, that won’t just love me unconditionally, but that will make me love them every day of my life. Because isn’t that the problem?

Maybe I haven’t ever actually been in love. Oh sure I had a 4-year relationship, followed by this 3-year one with my now husband. I’ve had other shorter relationships and fuck buddies galore. But how could any of that have been love if it didn’t last forever?

I used to make lists of boys I had crushes on. It was like a self-check for reality. Like I was making sure I was still alive, checking my pulse, because if I didn’t feel that desperate desire for someone, how could I be sure I still existed? It’s insane now not having a single person I really want, like I’m missing a part of my soul. And so freeing too, makes me really think.

Maybe I really don’t know shit. Maybe the reason I don’t believe love exists is because I’ve never felt actual love, just that constant repetitive heartbreak I keep talking about on here. And maybe I will feel it someday, but if I haven’t yet then I doubt it. I am the way I am, a certain way, and I think that way precludes love. At least the kind of love that everyone talks about when they tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about.

I think that’s why I’m a whore, in the super promiscuous sense. I’m trying to find this special, magical thing that everyone keeps referring to, and this is the only way for me to go about that journey. It’s the only way I know, anyway.

And yes, it’s easy to say “you should do this and you shouldn’t do that and three steps later you’ll find love.” But that’s bullshit, isn’t it? That’s not how it works. Everyone has to go about it their own way, because how else would they meet the “perfect” person for them? If they do it someone else’s way, it’s not real. It’s an artificial love, and I’ve had plenty of those. They all ended, and isn’t that the point? Real love doesn’t end.

I never thought of “whore” as an insult. I never thought of it as some basic thing that everyone could do. Not everyone could be a whore. Not everyone could get the same fulfilling experience out of it that I do. I’m doing my best to use this part of me in search of a greater goal, that “meaning of life” that everyone refers to, love. But in the meantime I’m not going to deny or try to change this part of myself, my personality, my soul, that has gotten me through the absolute hardest times I’ve ever been through, through a near-suicidal depression. How moronic would that be?

I’m a whore and I’m okay with that. In fact, I’m more than okay with that. I love that part of myself. And sure, I’m a narc so that might seem obvious, but there are parts of myself I don’t love. My tendency to procrastinate on everything. My aggression toward people I think are being stupid, even when I do the same things sometimes. My slightly bumpy nose. I don’t love those things, but being a whore I do love. And how many people can really say that about themselves, that they love the parts of themselves other people think are imperfect?

Criticize me all you want, but don’t expect me to take it personally, much less do anything about your opinion. I am happy. Are you?

Time Flies

It’s right around the time where it would be a year now since I met the Other Narc on a video game. Can’t recall the exact day but it’s not that important. Point is time passes so quickly. It’s hard to remember that when I’m waiting for a 12-hour day at school to finally be over but then I check my calendar and see that midterms are in less than 2 weeks. School just started a minute ago it feels like, and here we are on midterms already.

Feels like a second ago I was kissing him for the first (and last) time. I don’t think about him that often anymore. He used to be the only thing on my mind and sure, some days I still wonder what he’s up to, hope he’s doing all right, hope he’s happy. But mostly I don’t think about him.

I stop loving people when they start wanting things from me.

Remember that post? I think I called it “drunken ramblings.” Confessing some silly heartache for some guy I could never have? The reality is I just wanted to want him. I wanted to feel that way, to hurt on purpose. I used to be a cutter but people can see marks on skin and they start to question those. People can’t see the self-inflicted wounds on a heart.

It’s a recent realization, this. The reason why I’m always chasing someone isn’t because I really want to find love. It’s because it hurts to be rejected, and I like the pain. Anyone who knows me well enough knows just how much I like pain, but I don’t think any of them would understand this.

And then they want something from me. I haven’t figured out what yet from J. But the specifics really don’t matter. I realized the last couple of times we hung out that he wanted something from me, and not just that he wanted something from me but also that he wasn’t willing to give me anything I wanted in return. And so my feelings changed. It was sudden, a bit unexpected even. The heartache for him stopped.

Oh sure, we’ll be friends – I like the way he thinks too much not to be. But I used to think about him nonstop. Like with the Other Narc. Now if I remember to text him once every 3 days I feel like I’ve done my friend duty.

Problem is the heartache’s gone and I want it back.

The Cook is a great guy but he’s too easy. I see him twice a week and he’s super cuddly and affectionate. I see the look on his face. I don’t know what he really thinks of me but he obviously wants so badly to be in love too, with anyone really. He’ll be saying it soon enough and I’ll have to tell him the truth – I feel nothing with him. Hopefully he doesn’t take it too hard.

I haven’t spoken to Mr. Superman much since the last time we fucked. He clarified once again that he had no desire to be friends and that doesn’t really make me hurt, it just irritates me.

I’ve seen the Lawyer once since the last time and of course we wore each other out, but as much as I like him it’s just not quite right. There’s something missing that would push me over the edge, that would make me think about him constantly and hurt. I keep looking for it too – he’s addicting in his own way – but we’ve known each other months now and I still haven’t found it.

And I don’t have time for dates. Time flies and I can’t waste it on bullshit. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: if I’m not guaranteed an orgasm by the end of the night it’s just not worth my time right now. Law school is too much work and too important. Every hour of studying counts – every minute. I can’t survive without sex but I don’t have time to fuck around, no pun intended.

What a dilemma.

Crazy Stuff

Crazy J Stuff:

When J and I met he had recently broken up with his girlfriend of three years. In the past few months they’ve been talking and hooking up a bit, but ever since that other girl came into J’s life a couple months ago, he seemed sure that he was over his ex. He hadn’t even talked to her in a while. I hinted a couple times that I thought it wasn’t over for him, that he was still in love with his ex, but he always shut me down. Well, I feel like shit but I told him so.

His ex got into a car accident about a week ago. She’s in the hospital right now, in a coma. It looks like she’s going to wake up though – she’s showing signs of moving and even opened her eyes for a few seconds. J is… a wreck, on the inside anyway. And happy at the same time, I think. Because I guess he went and saw her lying in that hospital bed and realized that he wants to be with her, that he still loves her, that he doesn’t want anyone else. He can’t wait for her to wake up so he can tell her those things, I’m sure.

There are a lot of questions, of course. What if she has brain damage? Even something minor, like a different personality? What if she’s impaired somehow? He probably wouldn’t stay with her like that, but he seems so sure that she’s going to wake up and everything will go back to the way it was. I didn’t ask him this because I didn’t want to upset him, but my real question is – what if she doesn’t want him back? What if they get back together and everything IS the same way it used to be? They broke up for various reasons, after all. What if everything in their relationship hinges on this accident from now on? I wrote about it before. The fear that things aren’t permanent makes people do funny things.

I was already a little worried about him before. Of course I can’t speak from any experience but my own, but he seemed a bit depressed. He’s told me multiple times that he feels like he has no motivation to do anything. He sleeps sporadically – I’ve seen him on the dating site at 3 am and then again at 6 am on a work day. He smokes constantly, which I know is not a sign of depression, but it does magnify the feelings and attitudes that come with depression. He doesn’t have any clear goals in life – make money, maybe go to school again some day – that sort of thing, but he doesn’t have something he really wants to accomplish. I think the causes of his depression were in part breaking up with his long-term girlfriend and also hurting his wrist, which caused him to be unable to exercise for the last few months. All of this stuff points in a very clear direction for me, and I was going to bring it up to him, but then this happened… Now the most I could muster to tell him was “you should talk to someone.” But he’s not, of course he’s not, and when his ex wakes up and they get back together again, he’ll have a band aid and there won’t be a way to point out that he should probably look underneath it for his own good.

We hung out the past couple of nights but we didn’t do anything remotely sexual, just watched shows and cuddled basically. I think he just needed someone to be there with him. Honestly I’m okay with that, I have been kind of wanting to transition into being just friends with him and not friends with benefits, but the thing about that is that I might end up with neither. So there’s another conversation I’m too much of a pussy to bring up.

Crazy Mr. Superman Stuff:

Not really that crazy. Just a bit irritating. He didn’t make it clear to me at all that he was actively looking for a girlfriend. Or you know, that he’s about to get into a serious relationship. He’s still offshore right now for work, but he’s coming back in a couple days. The plan was to hang out, have a threesome, have fun… Turns out all we’re really doing is the threesome, because after that he’s getting himself an exclusive girlfriend. He was all like, “Yeah, I’ll give you one last great fucking before we have to say our good-byes!” But really it’s not even for me, it’s basically his last hurrah with two girls before he has to be monogamous.

And check it out, when I asked if we could be Facebook friends, he was like, “No, you’re just a fuck buddy.” Seriously dude? I have people who are Facebook friends who’s guts I legitimately hate. Maybe he really only has like family and close friends on there, but it’s sort of shitty to be told that I’m a step below an internet friend who’s posts he might like once a year. I’m debating how much of a bitch I want to be to him… On the one hand I don’t really want to flake out on the threesome thing, that other girl is super hot and I want to at least meet her and maybe develop something there. On the other hand, I kind of don’t really want to see him again. Really I think it comes down just to how he said “no” to the Facebook friends thing. If he had said “I have a lot of work people on there so I’d rather not” or something, I’d have been okay with it. But really? “You’re just a fuck buddy”? Yeah, well how about I’m actually not your fuck buddy anymore?

Crazy Lawyer Stuff:

I mentioned that he has a girlfriend now (again). Well I couldn’t fucking help myself. We’ve been talking a bit about law school stuff and I asked him for his old notes and outlines. He said he would look for them and he put it off for a while. A few days ago I texted him about that stuff and he sent me an office picture of himself to demonstrate that he was still working even though it was 9 pm. We talked a bit, then I mentioned he had a cute tie in the picture… And he told me to send him a sexy selfie. So I did. Compliments galore, and then we went our separate texting ways…

Next day, like I said, I couldn’t help myself. I sent him a text that was like “Would it be inappropriate to say that I kinda miss you?” He replied with “Inappropriate? Nah. Unexpected? A bit!” Which was basically bullshit and I told him so, and he said maybe I should come over and get the outlines and notes myself on a flash drive. But he insinuated that we’d be good, that all we’d do is hang out and talk a bit, no naughty stuff.

Haha. Yeah right, right? Went over there yesterday and I was barely through his door before he was kissing me and saying, “I decided I didn’t want to be good.” Clothes were off in seconds and we were fucking like it was our last day on the planet before I could say “outline.” I really did miss him, he’s absolutely gorgeous and THICK and knows exactly what I like. We broke his bed somehow. Not entirely sure what happened, but there were definitely wood cracking noises.

I feel like he wasn’t too happy though. Like he felt bad about screwing around on his girlfriend, even though from what I’ve heard about her, he doesn’t even care for her that much. And I feel a little bad for being the cause of his feeling bad, but hey, he’s a grown man. I just won’t push going to see him again; if he wants to hang out he can ask. It’s not like I would ever say no.

The Cook

This long weekend was a blast.
I cooked pulled pork and a friend came over on Saturday, that was a good time catching up. But then later after she left, the Cook invited himself over. I was more than happy to let him come by since I wanted to impress him with my cooking, and he really enjoyed it. So much that he was extra good to me!

Sunday he invited me to come study with him and his friend that actually also goes to the same school I do. We played footsie under the table and gave each other longing glances… And I still surprisingly got a lot of work done. What a pro, amirite?

But alas there was nothing beyond a quick kiss after our studying was over yesterday, and I was craving more… So today, after much debate with myself over whether I needed to hold off on texting him, I texted him. As usual, no self control. All for good though, he was very positive and now I’m pleasantly sore. Basically, a great end to the weekend!

Now back to another week of zero sex :'(

Amazing Weekend

Like the title says, I had a great time this weekend. Most of it was spent doing homework and briefs and outlines but I took some time for myself too.

Friday I went over to the Model’s house. Poor guy. He’s a prime example of how being stunningly beautiful isn’t enough for real happiness. I’m not going to get into the details right now because I need to keep this short, it’s past my bed time, but he’s clearly super depressed and I feel terrible for him. I wish the occasional blowjob from me could help cheer him up but sadly that’s not the case, and as much as I’d like to help I don’t think I can. We talked a bit but he wasn’t super willing to open up, even when I mentioned how I used to be very depressed and a cutter and all that. At least he can look in the mirror every day and have a bit of joy.

Anyway, but Saturday was the real epic date for me. Met a new guy for the first time, at his house again. (No time to fuck around with those drink dates like I said.) We’ll call him the Cook because he cooked for me, French onion soup and homemade chocolate ice cream with chili powder in it. I could’ve about died just from how amazing the food was, and then we got into his bedroom. Put on a movie, cuddled, petted… As always, I sort of initiated the removal of clothing thing, but once we were past that point he had my eyes rolling into the back of my head and my legs trembling within minutes.

The movie played twice (for some reason it just started over again once it ended). Plus an extra 15 minutes of a third time. I have no fucking clue what happened during the entire thing. My mind was elsewhere, devoid of thoughts, just filled with pleasure. His hands, his mouth, his cock… I legitimately lost track of time. And that was just the beginning, when we finally collapsed next to each other the third time, he asked me if I wanted to see his toys… All sorts of whips and ropes and candles and even a chain or two.

I wanted desperately to see him again today, but he insisted that I needed to do my homework instead. So responsible… And distracting, for all that he said that, it was nonstop texts about how sensual and beautiful I am and what he can’t wait to do to me. Frustrating and hot, I needed relief bad all day long but J was the only one that might have been able to help and he ignored my texts. Uuuuugh.

I can’t wait until next weekend though, the Cook is coming to my house so I can show off my cooking skills a bit too. I’m so excited!

Sex And Drugs And Knowing People

I don’t know a whole lot about a whole lot. Really my best stories are about sex and drugs – not so much rock and roll, but mainly because I’m more of a dance/electronic/club music type of girl. Part of making new friends is telling people stories about one’s past, and I certainly don’t have a bunch of appropriate stories to tell for the kind of friendships I want to make now. These are the people I’m going to be working with one day – I can’t exactly go around talking about my sexual exploits. I feel so quiet, which is very unlike me.

Everything has changed in the past two weeks – I suddenly have an insane amount of focus and drive for what I want out of life since I started law school. Which, by the way, I was totally right about – I literally don’t have a spare second to breathe, much less write on here. And dates? Ha. Those are a thing of the past. (Though I am meeting a guy on Saturday – after I spend 5 hours at school for a non-mandatory-but-actually-yeah-you-need-to-be-there class – at his place for dinner. Go figure.)

Honestly, if J’s new semi-girlfriend hadn’t been out of town for these past couple of weeks, I probably wouldn’t have been having sex at all. Because yeah, he has this girl that he’s focused on. The Lawyer got back with that girlfriend he had right before I started school (for pity reasons I think). And Mr. Superman has been off on an oil rig forever. My three main fuck buddies are basically unavailable, I don’t have time to go on dates, and I haven’t really felt like trying with any of the side fuck buddies – the result being that my life just got significantly more stressful with significantly less stress relief available in it.

Even J said the last couple of times we hung out that I have bags under my eyes and I need to sleep more. Ugh. I don’t feel tired at all actually, just a bit more worried than usual, but being told that is pretty shitty.

Speaking of J, he actually slept over at my house last night. It was weird. I liked having him over, but I think he was kind of uncomfortable not being in his own space. Even the sex was a little awkward – ended great as usual, of course, but still awkward. I think it didn’t help that we saw sides of each other last night that we didn’t realize existed, though. My dogs got into a fight over a curly fry and I got pretty angry at them, yelling and stuff. He’s never heard me yell like that, obviously. And then later in bed I tried to cuddle with him, and he said something about how I was “too lovey-dovey.” I might be over-thinking this one actually – maybe I just took it the wrong way, but it really didn’t sound like a joke to me, it sounded like he was trying to say that he didn’t enjoy that about me. Which was an absolute shocker to me, honestly – I’m very physically affectionate, even when there is zero emotional attachment for me, and I thought he liked that and was the same way. Again, maybe I was just tired and cranky and took it the wrong way, but it was surprising in an unpleasant way to hear that.

It goes to show how, even after four months of fucking and hanging out with someone, you can really not know them AT ALL. I’m not even talking about past stuff, like the shit I’ve done in my life or had happen to me that if he knew about, he would undoubtedly immediately pity and despise me at the same time and probably never want to see me again. I’m talking purely knowledge of someone’s personality – like I said, he’s never seen me yell before. He still hasn’t ever seen me truly upset or irritated or angry. He hasn’t seen me cry or lose my temper. Those things don’t happen often – my husband’s provocations being an obvious exception – because I’m a generally happy person, and even when I’m not happy, I’m good at controlling my feelings and my reactions. But they do happen. We haven’t even had an actual argument where we didn’t come to a consensus very quickly.

How can you say you know someone when you’ve only seen a very small part of them? That’s why it really confuses me when people say things like “he’s not the same person he used to be” after dating someone for a few months or even a few years. Well, no, he IS actually the exact same person (usually, there are some cases where there is a drastic change I’ll admit), you just got to see only the nice parts of him in the beginning and now he’s gradually showing you the ugly parts too.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say that J showing me his dislike of affection (once again, if that’s the case) was some absolute deal-breaker, I’m-never-going-to-see-him-again sort of shit. And I certainly hope he doesn’t feel that way about me yelling at my dogs. But I bet he was surprised in the same way I was, and I wonder if today he’s thinking the same thing I’ve been thinking – “I really don’t know that person at all.”